What's in a Nick?

I weep for the death of the nickname. I mean when was the last time you saw a person with a great and lasting nickname? I don't mean the kind of genius it takes to call every Matthew Matt, or to bring into being everyone from AJ's to ZJ's (although I admittedly have only seen up to SJ). Where is the brilliance that produced the Big Unit? And, more importantly, why couldn't that have been mine?

I myself have had a seemingly neverending parade of nicknames: B, B-Rad, Ace, Ardell, Pennington, Costanza, etc. All of these were meaningful at the time and place they were given, but none of them seem to stick. Maybe its a function of moving and growing older...

I guess the real reason I mourn the nickname is not for me, but instead for Kevin Garnett. I realize that for me to feel bad for him is kinda ridiculous; I mean, he's a rich, talented NBA star and I'm working at the gym. However, after watching Bull Durham twice last week, the value of a nickname has never seemed more important. Take Garnett as an example: According to the good folks at Wikipedia, who know everything, Garnett has been known as "The Big Ticket", "KG", "The Kid", and formerly "The Franchise". Each of these names has a tremendous flaw. KG lacks originality, and, unless he's been robbing stagecoaches in the offseason, no 30 year old man should ever be known as "The Kid."

"The Franchise" is inaccurate; Garnett's just one of the Big Three. And Garnett deserves better than to be remember as the only way to sell tickets for an awful set of Minnesota teams. Unfortunately, most of the great nicknames appear to be taken (mostly by Shaq). I mean, Garnett was The Truth, but Paul Pierce was also The Truth. Allen Iverson is supposedly The Answer, but the only question I can think of is "Who will have scored the most points without ever winning a title?" Garnett was way more of an answer, but unfortunately he loses out again. As a solution to this, I now proclaim him, with the blessing of Wikipedia, The Force.

As for me, I'm hoping law school brings a more permanent, or at least more complimentary, moniker. Oh well, there's always Ace...

May all your hits be crits,
B